Revelation

Disability and illness

I recently realised that I’ve probably had ME since I was 12/13 years old, not 20/21 as I previously thought.
This has further turned my world upside-down, as it wasn’t already traumatic enough to get medium/severe ME at ~25 (it progressed from mild around 22 or so).

Let me explain.
All my health problems as a kid was not taken seriously and was explained away with things such as ”hormones” and ”teen fatigue/depression”. Basically what I thought was that I was lazy and hopeless and should just ”get on with it”. I just didn’t know how to do that. If fighting as hard as you can to keep your head above the surface was ”being lazy” and ”not trying hard enough”, what on earth was I supposed to do?

If I was lazy, and not fighting, everything was my own fault.
Not being able to get out of bed – my fault. It just felt impossible but everyone said it was easy. I should just do it.

Imagine this being your life for 10 years. All through your teens and the start of your adult life: Things that seem impossible, like walking up a wall, is by everyone else deemed easy, and the reason you can’t do it is that you’re lazy.
That’s a very scary world to live in. No wonder I eventually did get depressed and suicidal.

I’m working hard on trying to forgive myself. Forgive 16 year old me. Tell that scared kid it’s not their fault. They’re not useless, lazy and hopeless. I’ve never before wanted to go back in time and hug myself. Tell me that it will get better (and worse, but honestly; I’m rather physically I’ll than psychology broken. At least now I like myself.)

I’m not lazy. I never were.

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